Fatherly Concerns
by Mako-clb
Summary: Mamoru reflects on fatherhood.


Disclaimer: Usagi, Mamoru and Chibi-Usa belong to Bandai and the incredibly cool Naoko-sensei. They don't belong to me and I make no profit from this story. In fact, I'm downright poor, so please don't sue me.   


_The Chibas proudly announce the birth of their daughter, Chiba Usagi._   
Date of Birth: 30 June   
Time: 16:26   
Weight: 7 pounds   
Height: 18 inches   


**Fatherly Concerns**   
By Corina "Mako" Borsuk   


I gaze at her through the glass, utterly amazed at the miracle before me. She's so small, so tiny. She seems so fragile, laying there in the hospital crib. I want to hold her, to kiss her, to protect her from everything that would do her harm. And yet, I am so afraid that I will hurt her. 

I know nothing about caring for a child. Oh, I know how to treat a scraped knee or how to help her study for a test. It isn't her body for which I'm afraid, for I would give my life to keep her safe. It's her heart and soul that I worry about. I haven't the knowledge or experience to protect those less tangible parts of the life I have helped create. What do I do when she's afraid of the dark? How do I punish her when she is bad and still let her know that I care? How will I be a father to this precious child when I had no father of my own to teach me? 

I've known for the last nine months this day would come. I've known longer than that; I've known since Chibi-Usa first came into our lives all those years ago. I thought I was ready. I stupidly believed that because I helped care for her then, that I was ready for this now. I know now that I was wrong. I don't think anything could prepare me for this. Before, Chibi-Usa wasn't really my daughter. I loved her and cared for her, but as an uncle or older brother, not as her father. I never had to punish her when she was bad or care for her when she was sick. I didn't raise her to be the young girl she was or the woman she would become. Now, all that responsibility falls to me. I must teach her right from wrong. I, the boy who kept everyone at a distance, must teach her to care for others and to give of herself. What if I fail her? What if she suffers because I can't be the father she deserves? But, even if I can't, I know she will learn all she needs to know of love. Usako will show her how to love, just as she has shown me. 

How ironic life can be. Here I am, full of doubt over my ability to raise my daughter, when just months before it was me trying to comfort Usako as she was plagued by the same doubts. How often had she cried into the night because she thought she couldn't be a good mother to Chibi-Usa? Imagine, my Usako thought she wouldn't be a good mother just because she can't cook, or sew and didn't do well in school. I remember holding her in my arms, whispering to her that she has all the qualities of motherhood that matter. She is loving, kind, caring, sympathetic--all of the things I wished the social workers had been for me. 

Social workers, that was who my family consisted of, strange faces that never had the time to become familiar ones. I bounced from one foster home to another, from one orphanage to another, never sure of my place in the world, my purpose for being. There was never anyone for me to depend on, no constant in my life that I could take solace in. I don't want it to be that way for my daughter. I want her to have a better childhood than her father, a better life. I don't want her to ever doubt that she is loved, as I doubted. And yet, there is no way I can guarantee that I will be there for her. Setsuna herself has admitted that the visions of the future we have seen are not guaranteed. And, with the kind of lives Usako and I lead, there is always a chance that one day one or both of us will not return. 

My thoughts are interrupted when I see the nurse lift Chibi-Usa into her arms. She smiles at me through the glass, unaware of my inner turmoil. I watch her as she carries my child in her arms. "I was just going to take this sweetheart to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Would you care to join us?" I look at her strangely, puzzled by the words. She acknowledges my unspoken question. "It's time for her feeding. Perhaps you'd like to carry her to your wife's room." 

Before I can respond, the nurse has placed her precious bundle in my arms. My eyes go wide and fear grips my heart. I am Tuxedo Mask and Prince Endymion, a man who has faced youmas and aliens without fear, but the feel of my daughter in my arms fills me with dread. What if I drop her? What if I crush her? What if....? 

Suddenly, the nurse is speaking again, answering the questions I didn't realize I had spoken aloud. "Just hold her head up. That's the way. See, everything is fine. You'll be fine. You know where your wife's room is, right? So, get going for your first family meal together." She gives me a gentle nudge in the right direction before going back to her duties. 

My first few steps are slow and cautious, every muscle taut with stress. A thousand jumbled thoughts race through my head. Am I holding her too tight? Not tight enough? Should I hold her head up higher? Am I jostling her too much? The fears and doubts begin to overwhelm me in a way they haven't for a very long time. I can feel my heart beating wildly in my chest as each step brings with it more questions, more doubts. 

Then, suddenly the eyes that had been shut tightly just moments before begin to open. At first, it's just a crack, but then they open wider and I can see my daughter's grey-pink eyes. She looks at me with those eyes, completely silent and serene. The look reminds me so much of her mother, my Usako. It's the way she looks at me, with complete trust and love. That look sparks a small bit of confidence in me. With each step my confidence grows, until I am striding down the hall, albeit still with care. The closer I get to my destination, the more confident I become that I can protect my daughter, that I will be a good father. 

"I love you, Chibi-Usa. I love you with all my heart, and I swear to you I will protect you, just like I protect your mother, because you are both so important to me. You are the family I always wanted and never had. So, I promise you I will be the best father I can. I won't always be perfect, but no matter what, I will always love you. Remember that, Chibi-Usa. Remember that I'm your daddy and I will always love you." The words are whispered quietly in her ear. I don't know if she understands the words, but I feel in my heart that she understands the message. 

I finish my little speech just before I reach Usako's room. As I enter, her eyes flit from me, to the baby and back again. She flashes a tired, but happy smile and asks, "So what's going on here?" 

"Oh nothing," I reply. "Just a father bonding with his daughter."   


The End   
  
  


More author's notes: Before I go, I must thank my beta-reader Amanda Rose. Not only did she catch some of my spelling errors and smooth things out a bit, but it was her idea to include the birth announcement at the beginning. Cool, ne?   


I would also like to take this opportunity to recommend some of my favorite stories and authors. If you have time, may I suggest reading the "Sailor Trek" series by Bill Harris, anything by Razzz or Jennifer Wand and "Red Millennium" by Carlen Lavigne. These are some, but far from all, of my favorite Sailor Moon fanfics. 


End file.
